Starting essays

Some of my new students recently wrote a practice essay for the Ielts (International English Language Testing System) exam. The question was:

"Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them. In what ways are computers a hindrance?"

Let's look at some problems with three essay introductions submitted by students. I'll discuss their ideas, not their vocabulary or grammar.

Here's the first introduction:

"Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. I found that computers make problem to me as well. For example, while I let the computer process data, the computer lost the data and wasted my time as I had to do all of the computer work again. Sometimes I use a programme in one version to save my task but when I have to change the computer I find the programme on the other computer is a different version and I cannot open the file. There are a lot of problems using computers yet others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them."

This introduction has three problems. First, it uses all 35 words given in the question. If the essay had been written for an Ielts test, none of those words would be included in the essay's word count.

A lower band score is given if the word count is less than the minimum of 250 words after copied phrases are excluded.

Note that you can still use individual words taken from a question, but not phrases (i.e., two or more consecutive words). You can also use the information in the question, but make sure you do not copy phrases. Reword the ideas instead.

Next, three sentences in the introduction detail problems the student has with computers. Details like this should always be in the body paragraphs, not the introduction.

Finally, the introduction is too long at 123 words, which is half the minimum of 250 words for a whole essay. Because there's a 40-minute time limit for essays, writing a long introduction means you can't write much in the body paragraphs.

Your arguments can't be as persuasive as they could be because you have less opportunity to present supporting ideas and examples. You therefore risk getting a low band score for "Task Response".

Here's the second introduction:

"Computers may be a hindrance or be a wonderful helper but it is up to the person who uses them. They are just machines which do anything we command or input without hesitation, whether these commands are good or not. So, anyone who believes that computers make problems in our modern world only speaks part of the truth because in fact computers are great helpers of human beings. Computers help us in many ways."

This introduction's main idea is that computers offer many benefits ("Computers help us in many ways"). However, the question asks for a description of the ways that computers are a hindrance.

A "hindrance" is anything that makes it more difficult to do something. Because the student is not being asked to describe the benefits of computers, he is answering the wrong question. There are significant marking penalties if an essay doesn't directly answer a question.

The introduction is also far too long. Its 74 words are a third of the minimum length required for the whole essay.

Here's the third introduction:

"The computer is a machine like a television. It can find a lot of information from a programme called the Internet. Children can play games on the computer. Business needs computers a lot to make their work efficient and more money."

This introduction doesn't refer to the difficulties caused by computers. It's also not clear what the focus of the essay will be. Will the student be writing about the positive use of computers by business, or something else?

What should introductions look like? My advice is to keep them as short as possible - under 40 words. To do that, write just two sentences.

The first sentence should be what's called a "general statement". It introduces the broad topic of the essay (e.g., computers) and refers to the situation given in the question. The sentence should also include only factual information, not your personal views or opinions.

If you're writing a thesis-led essay, the second sentence should broadly answer the essay's focus question. This is called a "thesis statement": It gives the essay's main idea or your position, which is later explained in the body paragraphs.

My model answer to the sample question uses a thesis-led essay structure with this 31-word introduction:

"Computers are recognised as playing a valuable role in people's work and social lives. However, their use also creates many difficulties that make it hard for users to get things done."

If you're writing an argument-led essay, however, the second sentence shouldn't give the essay's main idea or your position. It should give further, factual information, but none of your personal views. Give your main idea or position in the closing paragraph.

Write to david.park@idp.com for help preparing for Ielts.

David Park designs and teaches Ielts courses, and is involved with Ielts testing at IDP. To register for Ielts, contact www.thailand.idp.com. Ielts is owned by Cambridge Esol, the British Council and IDP: Ielts Australia.